I am feeling so defeated by unexpected life changes that I wasn’t planning on writing anything this week, but I decided I should.
When something bad happens, everyone tells you that it means something better is around the corner. You break up after 5 years, and people say you’ll find the right person one day. You lose a job opportunity, and people say something better is around the corner. You get into an accident, and people say at least it won’t happen again now that you know. We’re all trying to comfort each other, and that’s a beautiful thing about being human.
I’m not sure how much I should really believe these optimistic sayings in the way I’m not sure if I should believe that certain animals are omens. I saw two ravens on Friday and had a feeling something bad was going to happen, and then it did on Monday. The same thing happened two summers ago when I saw a raven on my bike ride, and then my dog ran away a few days later—that was agony. But I’ve also seen deer two nights in a row while driving home in the dark. Like ducks and blue jays and cardinals, I usually see them and think something good is going to happen soon, or someone I love is watching over me.
Maybe the animals are only there because of random timing. The times they’ve been a proven sign of something good—I saw ducks on the beach this past spring and then got asked to write for a magazine I love, I saw ducks on my college quad and then got my writing accepted to a literary magazine a day or so later—are probably just examples of confirmation bias. At the end of the day, I don’t accept this skepticism, either.
The world we live in is so unreal—the last two days have felt like a bad dream—so who doesn’t need something to believe in, though? I think we need it more than ever. I know I do.
1 (The idea that people hunt them for “fun” is sickening when we’re lucky to be on the same planet as these sweet, beautiful creatures!)
And then when I journal through it and write that if this is the worst thing that has happened to me in my life so far, I’m very lucky, which is undoubtedly true. And then after feeling I’ve been anxious for over 24 hours and going, going, going to try to make things better somehow—I light beautiful pine-scented the candle I made with my friend on a rainy weekend2, I drink my warm strawberry tea that has B12 in it3 that I have to order from the UK for some reason, and put on the record I bought this past weekend on a wonderful day with my best friend. And things probably won’t feel okay tomorrow, but they are in the moment. I forgot to slow down.
(Outside of writing and maybe some work products) it’s the best thing I’ve ever made.
It definitely did not “kill my anxiety” like the Reddit post says. It tastes great, though!
This reminds me a lot of both Kierkegaard and Camus (ended up reading the two closely together), where they talk about how one must embrace the “absurd”; how some things in life happen without any explanation and fairness. But as you put it best — it’s important to keep hold of that optimism, that even during moments of loss and shock, there is still unbridling happiness that awaits!
Love you and your optimism (and those deer)